from within.

Its December. The holidays are rushing in, like the tides, and im not ready. Sure, ive bought the gifts, and braved the crowds and all that. But I am by no means ready for the onslaught of emotions that stampede my heart and soul at this time of year.
As a child the holidays were a blissful and perfect time. My grandparents made sure of it. They were my whole life. They still are. This time of year is so hard without them. Theres no chanukah dinner with my grandma peeling and cutting and frying ten pounds of potatoes. Theres nothing. Theres the hole in my heart and the intense searing pain that doesnt seem to dull with time. My heart feels like its ripped in half. It hurts so much. It is 1000 times worse then the physical pain i feel. And to be home, and watch my mother feel the same thing, plus more, it kills me. It is too much for me to handle and im at the edge of this precipice and i dont know which way to go.